Even in Nowhere, we have an animal activist group. They call themselves NAAC (Nowhere Against Animal Cruelty) and their slogan is "Birds of a feather litigate together". So far they have sued the city of Nowhere a total number of 74 times regarding various animal rights. The most famous, of course, was Cows For Consent back in 2014, when they decided that animals should not be touched in a manner such as milking without consenting to it, unaware if the animal finds it appropriate or not. The case was of course thrown out because nobody can understand cows. There was, of course, Dr. Parnis who tried to make the Cow Translator, but failed, per usual. Though, some say he later succeeded and now is in a romantic relationship with a cow, giving lectures on Cows Rights at various farms across the city. That aside, their latest blunder comes with the absence left by their CEO who, just mere weeks ago, was forced to step down after rumors began to swirl that he was really a meat eater, trying to lead the company astray. Because of this, the company felt it would be in their best interests if they put a CEO on who actually knew the animal side of things. Thus, Henry The Chicken was sworn in as their new acting CEO. Henry has since been plastered on posters, had a plush made of him and even starred in a few paid spots on late night Access Cable while he wears a tiny gray suit, though, nobody can understand what in the hell he's saying, probably because he's a goddamned chicken. But, that hasn't stopped them from trying to make this work. "We're just going to do things Henrys way from now on," spokesperson Linda Pellini told us, "So often the animals never get to speak for themselves, and that's what we're finally doing is allowing Henry to do so. He's soft spoken, chooses his words carefully, intelligent and, if I may say so, one hell of a Salsa dancer." Henry has already signed a few measures into effect, trying to have them passed by the City Council of Nowhere, and while it's hard to take the whole thing seriously ("I'm not even sure if these signatures are forged by someone or not, because they could be his, they're literal chicken scratch!" one council man was overheard saying), installing Henry as the CEO has brought to light some real questions: While having an ally is great, should allies be the ones fighting for change, or should that really come down to the people they're fighting for? It's a shame people will only ever listen to the allies (we take heterosexual peoples beliefs on homosexuality, even if its positive, way more seriously than we do actual homosexuals telling us how they should be treated and how being gay has effected their lives and experiences, for one example), but if we're unwilling to listen, if we're that short sighted, then perhaps we need the allies. Men respect the idea of another man being a womans boyfriend, even if it's a lie, than they respect a woman simply saying she's just not interested in him. So okay, Henry's a chicken, yes. But that doesn't mean he has no legal rights or feelings or emotions. He's a living thing, like all of us. I'm nowhere near the same level as the people in NAAC, but for god sakes, even I recognize that we're too cruel to a species that isn't us, simply because they too haven't developed baseball caps, automatic weapons and an unstable government. So why did the chicken cross the road? Because crossing the road is making progress. Brett Thorn, 41 Writer for Nowhere Online Nws & Lycanthrope Enthusiast
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