It's Saturday night in Nowhere and we're all ready to have a good time, except for 1 Mr. Gregory Salamendez who is about to take the stand in his fight towards the Nowhere Supreme Court come Monday morning. Salamendez states that his fight started only a few years ago, when he began to notice a lack of hatred towards him and his way of still partying, even due to his age. He states that it's discriminatory and you should be able to party at any age. Greg even states that he now encounters hate speech towards him at work, with co-workers leaving such cruel notes on his desk such as: "Why don't you start a family?" and "You wanna rock and roll all night and throw up every day? That's responsible." Mr. Salamendez has not been reachable for a response as of yet, but he's sounded pretty confident in the interviews we've seen of him, stating that he really truly believes that his rights to party are being squashed as he enters middle age and that he should not only not have to be a certain age to party but that he should have the right to party anytime and anywhere. On several different occasions, police have arrested Mr. Salamendez for disrupting the peace and partying at places that are normally not reserved for partying, such as a local gas station, a childs birthday party and even his Mothers Wake. In one report, Mr. Salamendez stated: "My mother was a big advocating for partying; this is a travesty towards her memory. ROCK & ROLL, MAMA! ROCK & ROLL!" But he isn't just somewhat careless and irresponsible, no, he ties into an entire group of men trying to recapture their youth by partying. These men want to still be 21 and have no responsibilities at all, the majority still live at home with mom and only 3 are in relationships, one of which is married. Or, Facebook married, but he claims it's the same. These are grown men who wear baseball caps backwards, say "bro" and use the term "man-cave". This has become an epidemic, to the point where parents are growing concerned that partying isn't just dangerous for the partier, but also to their children. One concerned mother had this to say: "It's just not fair, we work so hard to keep our children safe and these people just want to party on their playgrounds and spout obscene language." And another mother said that she had a horrifying experience of her own when she realized her own son was being influenced by his middle aged fathers partying habits: "Chris just stood up in the classroom, and shouted at the top of his lungs, 'It's paaaarty tiiiime!' when really it was just math class. Nobody wants to do math, I get that, but that shouldn't make you want to party." In fact, partying has become such a concern that there is now a group dedicated to teaching parents the warning signs of partying, such as "Is your child missing homework? He may be partying" and "Sometimes it doesn't just stop at birthday parties. Sometimes it stops at death." They even warn parents that if they find deflated balloons or mix tapes, that their child might be partying and to get help right away. Reformed partiers have even stated that there is a right time and a wrong to party, and that it's the people who're choosing to party at the wrong time that are making other party goers look bad. Listen, I won't lie to you, I partied back in my day, but I realized that at a certain point, chinese take out and bad ghost hunting shows as a quiet evening in were way better and socially acceptable than screaming yourself stupid all night and eventually waking up next to somebody you don't even recognize. Some people just never mature. Some people just party. Daryl Hoffner, 27 Professional Salsa Dancer, Writer & Annoyed Citizen
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May 2018
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